Part 1:

Dear Abba,

Before I came to you and I became your son, I was a wreck. It seemed as though nothing in my life went well. I woke up every day wondering who would reach out to me and love me. It made no sense as to why I could not love people, I felt pain and loneliness, I was desperate for a father-figure because I seemed to have little guidance in my life. I grew up at church wondering if I had meaning in my life. I questioned everything such as parents, religion, church, being a “good” person and even my own life. For many years, I could not find peace, joy, hope, meaning and love. Love seemed so foreign to me because I felt no love from my family and my religion seemed so fake. I hated my church and I could not stand people. I desired attention and sought awards, people, approval, etc. I asked whether God existed and yet I could hear His voice. It frustrated me because my religion was divided, people argued and nothing seemed to make sense. I felt condemned by other Christians because they were so “holy” yet they could not be holy.

And then, I found you, or should I say, you found me. When I was desperate you came to rescue me from my attempted suicide in January. When I felt anger and distress you comforted me. You released me from a fatherless position and became my daddy. I never had a father I could call “daddy” because my entire life I could never show intimacy without shame. When I found you, I became intimate and you showed me how to be a son and a child. I loved philosophy and thinking and desired to engage in intellectual discourse but you showed me something far greater, you showed me how to be a little child, something I was so desperate for. I hated religion and thus left to find something greater, more meaningful and less intrusive. I found you, Abba, a loving, trustworthy, humble, father-like, best friend, teaching, loving, being. You never forsake me when I forsake you, you never condemned when religion shunned you, you never hurt me when man hurt me, you never forced me to be something I wasn’t, you helped me be the someone I am through you.

Abba, I wish many others could see who you are, love you, be hungry for you, know you. It seems as though people see you as a master or a vindictive, sadistic being when you are so fair, just, awesome, perfect, complete, humble, and desire us to see a daddy who can make things new, replenish us, feed us, clean us, play with us and love us. I feel so sad that so many people who are rejected don’t know you, Abba. My life seemed worthless but then you found me and my life became perfect. I have no fear, shame, guilt, condemnation, confusion. I have you and I love you, Abba.